Monday, March 09, 2009

Should I meet Ms Blowjob?

This girl (let's call her Ms Blowjob) has been wanting to meet me. You know right off the bat from her name that she gives fucking good head. I know because my friend, who used to date her, said it was the best blowjob he's ever had (and he's had plenty). She's 'ferocious' and 'noisy' and you're not quite sure what's happening down there but it's fantastic; his words. Suffice to say it's an experience a guy feels he ought to have.

Ms Blowjob works at it as if she read a memo saying penises will disappear from the face of the earth unless women can demonstrate that they appreciate sucking cock. And believe me when I tell you that for a guy, that's a memo you want plastered on the wall of every chick's cubicle.

But here's the thing - I've been putting off seeing Ms Blowjob because I didn't enjoy that first phone conversation I had with her. Our first meeting (in a group, before that phone conversation) was alright. But I didn't feel excited enough chatting to Ms Blowjob on the phone. Perhaps her voice wasn't sultry enough and maybe I was expecting an established cock sucker to have a sexier voice, I really don't know. It was just that one conversation though, so maybe I should give it another go.

Am I thinking too much about it and should I just go ahead and meet Ms Blowjob already and claim my prize? Afterall, who needs conversation when her mouth is being used for a more altruistic purpose?

Friday, July 21, 2006

Having some fun with my secretary

I was walking past my secretary's desk on the way to my office this morning when I saw that she had her Yahoo Messenger window open. I stopped to look at her handle, and suddenly realised the enormous amount of knowledge (and fun) I could have with that information.

Imagine. I could pretend to be someone else (obviously) and ask her what she thought about her boss, thus giving me a no-holds-barred insight no other superior would have. I could also get into the office gossip, and get to know stuff I would otherwise have no way of knowing. I'm so excited I could fall off my chair.

But how do I explain why I'm adding her to my YM list? Where did I get her handle?

Friday, July 14, 2006

Our faculties often dessert us on Friday afternoon

This lady from a prestigious brokerage firm called to ask if I've received an email she sent me this afternoon. I told her that I had not only received it but had also replied to it.

"Oh, you've replied to my email?"

"Yes, I have."

"So have you received my email?"

"I must have, since I've already replied to it."

"Oh ok. I haven’t received your reply."

"Well, I sent it 10 minutes ago."

"Let me check again. No, I haven't received it."

"Well, it must be stuck in traffic then."

"Stuck in traffic?"


"Oh, I'll wait for it then."

"You do that."

Thursday, June 29, 2006

No kissing down there, please

If some of you thought it was odd that she didn't like foreplay, then you'd probably be more interested to know that she also didn't like being kissed down there.

It had nothing to do with me - she just didn't enjoy cunnilingus. I know this because she pushed me away the very first time I attempted the deed, and told me it wasn't something she enjoyed. Further attempts similarly met with limited success.

I managed to pursue this initiative to some degree after some persuasion but despite clearly enjoying it [she even bashfully admitted to it later] she still didn't let me finish. I swear if I had been allowed to continue for one more minute, she would have reached orgasm. Which might just be the thing that could change her perspective on the whole issue. I didn't quite understand it -- you don't quite expect your partner to push your head away and say "please, don't" when you're spreading her legs and preparing to muff dive.

More than just being odd, for me this presented a bigger problem. You see, in bed I'm what you'd call A Pleaser. Most of what I do in bed is aimed at making the other person enjoy her time with me. If she's happy then I'm happy. And my abilities in cunnilingus are a big part of the arsenal I bring to the battle.

Judging from past experience, I do a darn good job of it too. So when I'm deprived of this particular mode of attack, it feels like I'm put in a boxing ring with one hand tied behind my back. What's worse (?) is that she's A Pleaser too, and relishes going down on me without wanting me to reciprocate.

Sometimes I wonder where she gets the stamina. One night in a parked car she never once came up for air as she went about her task, knowing full well there were people in the parking lot. After she was done, she looked up to me, hair completely dishevelled, and asked "did anyone pass by?". There are some moments in your lifetime that are so impactful that you unconscioulsy capture them in your mental hard drive, ready to be replayed over and over again -- this was clearly one such moment.

Now I KNOW most men wouldn't find this a problem and would probably even congratulate me for finding the perfect girl -- someone who enjoys performing oral sex but hates receiving it. But the truth is I feel guilty whenever she gives me a blow job because I feel it was unfair. I'm not sure who's more odd -- me or her.

Monday, June 26, 2006

My ex rates me a 6

This was the text message I got from an ex-girlfriend when I asked how she rated the sex that we had. You might wonder what prompted me to ask. No, I wasn’t carrying out a survey to compile data for a thesis that I'm doing. We were simply reminiscing about the past and she was telling me how the part of our relationship that she enjoyed most was our conversation. Well, that and kissing.

She loved kissing. And fucking. And in bed, practically nothing else in between. Her approach to sex was much like a man’s -– the only foreplay involved was kissing (and lots of it) and once you were done with that, all she wanted to do was fuck. And fuck hard. Not make love, mind you, but fuck. Yet even with all this, we both agreed that somehow sex was not the climax of our relationship. It was the conversation.

So I was driving home one day when my mind wandered back to the time when she said how sex wasn’t the central piece of our relationship (and how it wasn’t so hot anyway) that I sent her the million-dollar text message.

“You mean sex wasn’t hot??”

“Wow, you have serious delayed reaction.”

“On a scale of 1 to 10?”

“1 being the best, then 6.”

I was stunned. 6?? That’s 40%. That’s the lowest passing grade in high school.

“Wow, I didn’t expect that. I didn’t realise you had a lousy time in bed with me.”

“I didn’t say that. Besides, it’s not important. Sex isn’t what matters when I’m with you. You know that.”

"I know. But it would be nice if the sex was good anyway."

Can you have a good relationship with sex rated 6??

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I might get to see my friend naked

A friend who's in the market for a job told me that she'd rather let me see her naked than see her CV.

You see, she was asking for my opinion on some stuff that's in her CV so I asked her to email it to me. To my surprise, she went all coy and said she was shy (she is a very confident person in real life). Looking back, it's rather understandable. The CV is a document in which you put your best foot forward and blow your own horn so it can be slightly embarassing or uncomfortable for a close friend or family member to see you positioning yourself like that. Never mind that you let the whole recruiting world see it and pass it around.

I'd like to think of myself as a good friend and I don't want to let her down. So like any good friend in this type of situation, I'm taking her up on her word and arranging for her to let me see her naked. I'll let you know if it works out.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Are you gonna post something useful soon or is this gonna be it?

I hope to post something useful soon but I thought I'd cover some basic questions about this site before we get to the real stuff. Anyone who's got any clue what the real stuff is should come talk to me.

What's with the irrelevant URL?

I know you surf the Net at work. Would you rather have some dubious looking URL to appear in your URL history or something more officious sounding like "researchresource"?

I thought so. Carry on surfing.

What makes this one different?

It's a bit like asking the author of a new book, "There are hundreds of books on the same subject out there. What makes this one different?"

Because this one's written by me.